So much has happened since JULY. I can’t even believe that I haven’t been keeping up with all of the events that I have been experiencing.  I have lost someone close to me, grown closer to those around me, been there in the darkest of hours, gone to some amazing places, turned a year older, strengthened relationships, ended a few,  and most importantly held the hands of the ones I love even until the end came calling.

Yeah, so its been eight months of isnity! Its crazy how much someone can change in such a shory period of time. I have been forced to grow up and accept life and death.

I will never forget that day; I will never forget that moment. I will never forget the way my heart dropped when I heard my name. I will never forget when I walked through the door the feeling that was beneath me. I will never forget the look on the faces, while we sat in the ICU waiting. I will never forget the instance, I saw him laying there not himself. I will never forget the feeling that shot through me as a stroked his hand. I will never forget that moment, the moment I knew that his last breath drawn. I will never forget the time I saw him there on the farm. I will never forget his laugh; I will never forget his smile which only a few saw. I will never forget the love he, the love that he shared with everyone. I will never forget the smell of his shirt when he would embrace me into his arms. I will never forget his heart; the heart that said every moment will count more than the last. I will never forget his belief, believing that he could do anything no matter what it was. I will never forget his hard working spirit; I will never forget him. I will never forget the life that he led; the life that left an imprint in a heart that won’t forget.

Rest in Peace Papa. 11/14/2008. ♥

There have been good things aswell but not quite as impressing on my as this.

Tonight I walked out of yet another funeral home, this time for a friend who lost her step father. Unlike the bittersweet passing of my grandfather, this was for the most  unfortunate of any event, suicide…He in his attempt to find happiness, found his demise. Stan made so many mistakes and through out his life and unfortunately this one of all of them effects everyone that ever came into contact with him. His wife Tracy, step-daughter Britnei and son Brandon are strong and will make it through this. Could you imagine being 12 years old and not knowing what’s going on, the person you once viewed as your father is now dead,  and to not know that he pulled the triggger on himself is detrimental. 

“No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why.”

Well kids, thats that. I hope this wasn’t a total downer b/c I am okay and I think everyone involved will be too.

Gary Allen took to the stage at about 4. By this time the rain was pouring! He took it in stride and danced all in it. He also jumped in puddles and appeared to have a blast. did spectacular considering it was raining, he seemed to enjoy himself. I know I enjoyed him, he couldn’t have been more appropiate with Songs About Rain!

Leann Rimes followed, she showed those boys how girls can rock. She did an amazing job! I saw her years ago at the GA Int. Horse Park and she totally has always been gifted. If turner field was covered she would have completely blown it to pieces. Songs like “Nothing Better to Do” made you dance and sing  while “Probably wouldn’t be this way” made you think and cry. I’ve never seen a Braves jersey sported so well except for Jeff Franceour of course (:

Brooks and Dunn haven’t really ever been a favorite of mine but they did well. Congratulations Keith Urban on baby Sunday Rose! Kix and Ronny had really good lyrics I’m just not a huge fan but hey its all good.

Kenny, oh Kenny!!!!!! He was totally and utterly breathtaking. The set list was amazing but the energy and smiles were what truely made the night all it was. He seemed to be “home”. The joy he had bubbled over and just exploded all over turner field. I had amazing pictures and he literally made me laugh because he was smiling so much and I cried as he sang my favorite song, “Better As A Memory” and the opener “Live Those Songs” woke all of Atlanta up at 9:20 when he finally apeared! It was a very up beat concert and I absoluetly loved it! Jennifer Nettles graced us with her presence singing “Stay” with Kenny harmonising. It was beautiful! His traditional second oncore, “She Thinks my Tractors Sexy” was the most bittersweet song of the set. It wasn’t my favorite song but it was amazing (Sweet) but it was the last (bitter). He went off the set list and sand “Be As You Are” which was absolutely amazing because you knew the true Kenny fans that knew the words, there weren’t many of us. He sang it totally acustic and i loved it. He said he was “Better As A Memory” and his memory will forever be with me from that day!

If I could tell Kenny in just a few sentences how he made me feel last night I would say this, “The show in Atlanta was simply amazing, all day today i was wishing i was back there! The place you took me for those hours was simply unpredictable and much needed. Every year you improve it and i look forward to every show in the future!”

what do you think?

“Last night I dreamed that the world was coming to an end
The holy rapture had already came and went
Left behind through hard times in bad lands where I belong
I thought about my loved ones and all of the things that I’d done wrong
There was no denying
I would be beaten by the chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

Feels like I slip further from you every single day
It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
Cause they understand my pain
And they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the rain that fall from angels’ eyes

I’m like the rain, oh
I said oh, I’m like the rain
I’m like the rain
I’m like the rain the falls from angels’ eyes”

As Angels Cry by Corey Smith

“I’ll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.
In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children’s carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin’ well.
I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.
I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.
I’ll be seeing you
In every lovely summer’s day;
In every thing that’s light and gay.
I’ll always think of you that way.
I’ll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I’ll be looking at the moon,
But I’ll be seeing you.” -Billie Holiday

So I’m currently watching the Notebook! I absolutely love this movie. its crazy though how I have watched this movie hundreds of times and just now realizing love is what gets you through. Obviously  the love of Allie and Noah. Even when they lived in the same building he was living without his true love. I always cry when she remembers and forgets again. My grandfather died in 2003 and immediatly following his death my grandmother shut down. She has demensia or altheimerz and it is gradually getting worse. Its crazy what losing your true love does.

Is there hope for those of us that haven’t had of taste of this “true love”? Is there hope for the people who have never found it?

Think about it….

“As we cry, God catches our tears and sends them back as the rain to bless us. So, sing in the rain, it belongs to you so feel Maria Sue kiss you and as you go, know that its going to be okay.”

This happened May 21, 2008 I don’t know why but today I was laying around taking life for granted yet again and it hit me, Steven Curtis Chapman’s baby girl died.  Maria Sue Chapman, a 5 years old and the youngest daughter to Steven and Mary Beth Chapman was struck in the driveway of the Chapman home in Franklin, TN. Maria was rushed to Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital in Nashville, transported by LifeFlight, but died of her injuries there. Her 16 year old brother was driving the SUV that hit her. Ironically, the family was going later that evening to the eldest Chapman girl’s engagement and the eldest boy’s graduation celebrations. God, I can not imagine the greif that this family is facing not only with the loss of their baby girl but dealing with their son.

In a two-hour memorial service with more than 700 mourners, Maria was remembered for her love of drawing flowers, playing in the water, snuggling with her family – and doing dishes. The couple, along with their three older biological children and their two other adopted daughters, Shaohannah, 8, and Stevey Joy, 5, were all barefoot during the service as a mark of reverence to ground made holy, they said, by the loss of Maria. Standing in front of the tiny white coffin covered with pink flowers, they took turns holding the young girls in their arms and embracing the son whose car hit Maria. Tears streamed down his face and he wore Maria’s pink security blanket around his neck throughout the service. In a letter Shaohannah had written to God and her lost sister that her father read aloud, she asked for prayers for her brother. “He has been sobbing,” she wrote. The family raised their arms as they sang songs of worship and sought comfort in their faith. “We had talked [with Maria] about what it meant to be with Jesus,” Chapman said. “I had no idea how soon it was going to be, but we know she is in His amazing house, playing in the water.” -PEOPLE MAGAZINE

It’s amazing how People can keep the faith eventhough their baby girl who blew out 5 candles merely 10 days before was takes from them. Chapman said this, “We prayed for healing, we prayed that our baby girl could come home and she did. God only knows why but he took her home, not to Franklin like we wanted but with him, in his arms. There’s a poem that I simply love and it describes the little angel that was lost, ‘Cuddle bug’, Maria Sue.

God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be
So He put His arms around you
And whispered ‘Come with Me.’With tearful eyes
We watched you suffer
And saw you fade away
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating
Hard working hands at rest
God broke our hearts to prove
He only takes the best.

It’s lonesome here without you
We miss you more each day
Life doesn’t seem the same
Since you’ve gone away.

When days are sad and lonely.
And everything goes wrong.
We seem to hear you whisper,
‘Cheer up and carry on.’

Each time we see your picture
You seem to smile and say
‘Don’t cry, I’m in God’s keeping
We’ll meet again someday.’

“Never thought I’d be in this place
It’s someone else’s life I’m living
Wish I were living a lie
The hardest part is when the bough breaks
Falling down and then forgiving
You didn’t kiss me good-bye
I’m choking on the words I didn’t get to say
And pray I get the chance one day”

This is the first “emotional” blog that I have posted on here so bear with me please. I have a problem, i CAN NOT say goodbye. I never have been able to, I become emotionally attached at the wrong times. I’m not talking only deaths but in general i just can’t do it. This is about death though, I have had some people very close to me that have left me before i could say those dreadful last words. I think thats my problem, i ihave never said them when they mattered so why say them now?

Many things have spun off of the death of my Papa. He was an amazing man and he loved my family more than life itself but more importantly, he loved Jesus Christ with every breath he breahted. Its amazing to me how someone could live their life so on track. A few years ago,  my Papa was diagonosed with cancer, this disease is awful i know that you’ve heard of it and ironically my mom has been an oncology nurse for over 15 years! But he had the cancer in his liver and esophagus and possibly other places. You see, I was only about eleven years old. Its crazy how vividly you remember something from so long ago. I can tell you where I was when I was told that i would never see him again. It wasn’t by my mom or dad, no it was by my babysitter’s mother. It was 8:30 pm and I knew something was wrong because neither of my parents were home yet and that was unusual. I went with my mom once or twice to change the dressing on his feeding tube while he was still on this earth. But he didn’t want us to remember him like that so i rarely saw him once he was very sick. The Hospice became his new “home” for what felt like a mere few days. I was suppose to go see him. He wanted to see me, but he was gone the day before our scheduled visit. I spent the night in his bed that night, my mom by my side I don’t think that I’ve ever truely cried like i did that day. I didn’t wake up the next morning and it was all a dream like i had wished, oh no this was more than real. The next few days were all a huge blur. I wore my light blue dress that he loved me in because i looked beautiful and grown up. The funeral was over quicker than i could react for the next tissue. The car ride to the burial was the hardest part of that. He’s buried in Dublin, 4 hours south of where we live. It all came to and end, the family all returned home to all the different states that they represent and our lives hit a brick wall. I was getting readt to begin school in a few weeks and i never told anyone but i allowed the event of July 30th the effect me in everything. I slowly became apathetic and depressed but i hit it and i continued to hide it until late winter/early spring 2008. If you’re close to me this may suprise you or it may not i’m not really all that sure.

“I still run, I still swing open the door
I still think, you’ll be there like before
Doesn’t everybody out there know to never come around
Some things a heart won’t listen to
I’m still holding out for you”

That is the most impacted i have been by this damn word, “Goodbye” I’m sorry for the language usage but it makes me so angry. Peter Pan says it like this, “Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.” I’m sorry Walt Disney but i REFUSE to forget! I didn’t get a proper goodbye but i will never forget!

RIP REYNA EMIT WILLIAMSON YOU WERE AND ALWAYS WILL BE  MY HERO. GOD HAS TAKEN YOU HOME AND I WILL SEE YOU ONE DAY, IN HIS TIME. —”The Day You Slipped Away is the Day I Found that it Won’t be the Same.”

If you’re in the Atlanta area you’d of heard of a girl, 15 years old that was hit by a car while running cross country on September 26, 2005. This deviatating event truely impacted our community. I was not close to Aubrae but we did know each other, and her death was a true reality check because who ever said, “Young people are invincible and imortal” should lose a friend before they experience getting their drivers liscense, prom, graduation, finding true love, ect. You get one life. Live it up and don’t regret, but don’t end it faster with stupid decisions. I don’t want to sound hypercritical becase i am and have been a typical teenager and i do and have made mistakes and “decisions” but move on, don’t swell in the bad ones, bask in the good ones. Aubrae’s death has truely been an eye opener for me. I have learned from the way she lived her life, “ENJOY LIFE TODAY, YESTERDAY IS GONE, TOMORROW MAY NEVER COME” I have learned from her family’s strength, and I have learned from myself.

RIP AUBRAE YOU ARE FOREVER AND ALWAYS IN MY HEART AND MIND!

Life it can end when you’re 79 or when you’re 15, when you were merely months from your 60th wedding anniversary or your first date, either way it will find an end. Don’t live for tomorrow because you’re not guarenteed one. You should NEVER go to bed angry at anyone and always live like its your last breath. Hug the ones you love, don’t hold grudges what good do they do really?!, let the people that you care about know; don’t hide it or mask it, Never say something to someone that you would hate yourself for it being the last thing that you said to them.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

All I can say is this : I breathe in, I breathe out.

What do you think?

cause good-bye’s are like a roulette wheel
you never know where they’re gonna land
first you’re spinning, then you’re standing still
left holding a losin’ hand
one day you’re gonna find someone
right away, you’ll know it’s true
that all of your seeking is done
Its just a part of the passing through
right there in that moment
you’ll finally understand
that i was better as a memory than as your man
better as a memory than as your man

Is this true, are people in your lives really better as memories than as friends or loves? I was listening to this song earlier; Better As A Memory bu Kenny Chesney and I couldn’t help but think am I better as a memory?!

think about it.

think about it…. 

tell me what you think. (: